Xena+300+The Worst of Tarantino [Spartacus: Blood and Sand]

I just finished watching the first episode of Starz’s new series Spartacus: Blood and Sand and I have to say, I’m less than impressed.

spartacus

First off, the title of the post says it all. Rob Tapert, who most know for his work on the 90s hit Xena (of which I have long been a huge fan) has brought another iteration of ancient Roman life to the small screen, but fails to deliver.

The entire first episode seems to be an exercise in how many times you can say the words “fuck,” “cunt,” and “cock” in an hour. That plus cram in as many tits as possible. And that’s about the height of the dialogue. Everything uttered by a character contains at least one swear, which is usually the only intelligent thing they have to say.

There’s blood around every corner. And I do mean every corner. In fact, they use so much digital blood (which, by the way, looks like liquid Jell-O) that red about the only color they care to use throughout. Everything is given that washed out look of 300, but because it’s so obvious that everything you see on screen is rendered over a green screen, it fails to have that same appeal that 300’s stylized world had. It’s just so horribly fake.

The graphics are about on par with most reenactments seen on the History Channel. In fact, if you saw 300 Spartans, then you’ve got the best indicator of what to expect here.

All chance at having talented actors was tossed out the window as well, in order to get actors who will flash a lot of tit and a bit of cock here and there. Actually, I was told that there was plenty of male nudity to be had in this series, but once again Hollywood proves that women are just objects who have no shameful parts whereas men have the face of Satan between their legs.

And, oh my god, the absurd amount of sex talk. Jesus! “Pull up your skirt.” *ties a ribbon to her leg* “Keep me here, between your thighs.” WHAT?! Such shit to fall from the mouth of a pretty man. And yes, the guy playing Spartacus is pretty damn beautiful, but that doesn’t make up for anything going on here.

Oh, look! It’s Lucy Lawless stepping into frame. Well who woulda thought? Big surprise seeing you here, Lucy. What with your husband being one of the driving forces behind this show, I never would have expected you to turn up randomly.

Ok, ok. I love Lucy Lawless, but this is total pandering.

So, let’s be honest here. This show, while definitely in the vein of the much-loved Xena, is just way too much overkill with little redeeming story, but I will give it a few more episodes to see how it plays out. I have little hope for it though. Especially when the far-superior Legend of the Seeker is on the syndication circuit.

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