I Don’t Need This [Apple iPad]

apple crap

I’m going to take a moment to rant like a madman, as is appropriate for this little space of mine.

For the past few years, Apple has risen in the ranks of the tech industry from the understated guy all the college nerds love to play around with to the elitist shit-shoveling behemoth it is today.

I make my case with the iPad; what I think to be one of the most useless and pathetic products to hit the market in years.

You see, Steve jobs has this problem. He likes to think that he knows what’s best for the consumer. “No, no, no, wee ones. It isn’t netbooks you want. Those are silly. You want the MacBook Air. It’s just as underpowered but 4 times the cost. Surely your lives would not be complete without it!”

“We’re giving you the most revolutionary device the world has seen! It’s called the iPhone. It isn’t 3G compatible, but no one wants fast speeds when browsing the ‘real’ internet. That’s stupid! And the thought of including basic MMS and video capture is absurd! This isn’t want you want. Why, that’s technology only fit for those phones you get free with a contract on any carrier. Heavens! Once you’ve given me $350 for this, you’ll understand.”

How about this one: “No one reads anymore. That’s a thing of the past. They want to buy all their audio books from iTunes, of course! And they want to listen to them on their new iPod Touches. How stupid of you all to think otherwise.”

And this new gem: “I’d like to introduce you to the iPad! Watch now as I sit and type on it. No, no, disregard all the typos, it really is the perfect keyboard. And behold, I’m reading a book! Now marvel as I browse websites without the hindrance of silly Flash. Never mind nearly every major site on the internet uses it. You don’t need it with what I’m giving you. Why, surely this will change the world!”

You know what, Jobs? Fuck you. Fuck you and your absurd pandering. Fuck you and your holier-than-thou attitude. Fuck you and this incessant need to make people think only YOU know what they want and that they should be happy with whatever piece of garbage you deign to saddle them with.

You push product after product in the faces of consumers riddled with flaws then deny they are anything but perfect. You charge me a premium for a product I can buy from any other manufacturer at 1/3 the cost. You punish your fan base by denying them replacement for the crap you sell them.

You, dear Apple, are the all-singing, all-dancing, shit-spewing cunt of the world.

You want to gain my respect again?

  1. Accept your limitations and address them.
  2. Don’t release a product that already exists on the market and simply call it by another name and deny their similarities.
  3. Don’t pretend you know what’s best for me. It’s my money, I know what I want to spend it on.
  4. When a consumer confronts you with an inherit flaw in one of your products, FIX it without complaint.
  5. Put people who actually know what they’re doing behind your goddamn Genius Bars.
  6. Stop charging me a pretty tax and justifying it simply with an OS.
  7. GET OFF YOUR FUCKING HIGH HORSE, STEVE JOBS. You are NOT the savior of the tech industry. You are the granola-gobbling leach of it.

Once you done that and more, MAYBE I will once again deem you worthy of my credit card. Until then, shove it up your cancer-riddled asshole, Steve.


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