Dear, Nintendo: STFU [3DS]

Most people will probably try to tell you that I’m a fanboy of sorts when it comes to certain things. Such as Nintendo and their long history video game wizardry. But nay, I say to you. For when it comes to the world of fanboyism, I stand apart from the crowd.

By definition, fanboys are people who defend the companies they love tooth and nail. They sing praises of their loves to anyone who will listen and come up with creative arguments detailing just why their company is better than yours. And whenever anyone presents them with an example of how said company has screwed up before, the stick their fingers in their ears and say “LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!” Or somehow manage to think up a creative justification as to why that was actually a good idea, but the public just didn’t take to it.

By definition I am most certainly NOT a fanboy. Why? Because I’ll be the first to point out the Fuck-Up Elephant hiding behind the couch.

Case in point: Today Nintendo (vaguely) announced the next system in the line of DS handheld gaming consoles. The Nintendo 3DS.

After a quick check of the calendar to be sure it wasn’t April 1st (after which I still didn’t want to believe it) I took a deep breath and yelled “Bull shit!”

Ok, so let’s be honest. 3D is the big buzzword right now in the tech industry. Everyone is trying to find a way to implement it into their products and every company wants to find a better way of doing it. Glasses, no glasses, polarized this, stereoscopic that. The list is just keeps growing and getting more confusing every week. (Word to the wise shopper, DON’T buy any 3D products for another year at least. There are standards need to be worked out [fuck you, Sony])

So now it’s Nintendo’s turn to jump on the bandwagon (or off the bridge, if you like) and they seem to feel that this is best done by releasing yet another DS product. Granted, it’s smarter than attempting a 3D Wii, or WiiD (TM, bitches. That’s mine), but is this really necessary?

Since the release of the DS, Nintendo has produced more versions or upgrades than they ever did for the Gameboy. There was the original DS, DSlite, DSi and now DSiXL. QUIT IT!

nintendo-dsi Look, Nintendo, you JUST made the DSiXL and haven’t even released it in America yet and now you come at me with this crap? After hocking my DSlite for the DSi I’m now expected to shell out more money for what could possibly be the same damn system, just with some crappy 3D implementation? How do you plan to do this? You say I won’t need glasses, so we can assume the 3D isn’t going to have that much depth to it. I know it can be done, but just google around and you’ll find plenty of articles detailing how much of a strain glasses-less 3D is on the eyes.

However, if this is truly to be the successor in the DS line, you may have my attention. See, I’ve shelled out the cash for all the upgrades (DSphat, white DSlite, blue DSlite, finally DSi) and I’m a bit sick of it. So yes, I saw the worth in moving from the phat to the lite and I do consider the DSi to be what the system should have been from the very beginning, but if all I can expect from the 3DS is just the nifty inclusion of 3D, then I’m not interested.

So, listen up, Nintendo. Now is not the time to shovel out another upgrade. The DS has been around long enough to warrant a whole new system with better graphics (GameCube level or better, please), bigger, crisper screens (capacitive multi-touch?) and BETTER ONLINE PLAY (seriously, you’re killing your older clientele).

Don’t fuck around with this, Iwata. Do it right and do it the first time. Oh, and don’t puss around at E3 this year. It pisses us off.